I don’t know how this happened, but it appears my kids think they live in a hotel. Let’s discuss. 

I haven't traveled much, but I have stayed in a Holiday Inn Express at least once so I’ve learned some things about hotel stays. For one thing, amongst the guests, there’s an element of wastefulness with toiletries.

I’m not saying people should be wasteful with hotel soaps, shampoos and toothpaste. However, my observations and keen understanding of the human condition tell me a travel size container of shampoo is getting emptied in two uses by the average guest. Our boys are the same but with full-size containers. 

I can’t tell you how many times soap, shampoo and toothpaste have been placed effectively under lock and key to control the boy''s prodigious use of these products. 

Me: How is this bathtub entirely filled with bubbles?

Boy: The shampoo spilled some.

Me: But there are bubbles spilling over the tub. And you’re taking a shower.

Then there’s the condition these boys leave a room in. Another aspect of hotel stays I’ve observed is an element of untidiness when it comes to room cleanliness. There’s often an expectation that the maid service will take care of it. The boys' behavior at the house also suggests they think they can trash a room and someone else will take care of it. 

And then there’s the over-the-top expectations of meal time. The 3-year-old comes into the kitchen for breakfast like he’s entering the Plaza Hotel’s dining room. 

“Good morning, mother. Can I have some Crunchies? And oatmeal with berries and banana. With some yogurt and honey. And a flat egg.” The only thing inaccurate about this sentence is he doesn’t call his mom mother. This kid doesn't just expect a continental breakfast but a gourmet three-course meal. 

Noise can be an issue in a hotel. From the street, from the elevator, from the hall, from the adjacent room there are many ways noise can disturb a guest. Guests are quick to report issues to management, and so are the boys. Despite 99.2% of the noise in our house being created by them, if a brother bumps the wall in the next room at bedtime management is getting a call. 

And by management I mean my wife or me. And by call I mean a kid marches down the hall to our bedroom to loudly complain the boarders in the next room are being too loud. 

There’s also an understanding that all the freebies are “part of the stay.” Mints on the pillow, water bottles, coffee, cookies, etc. The boys’ stay is already free so they also feel entitled to any and all available treats. Cookies cooling on the counter? That must be for them. Muffins fresh out of the oven? They’ll have two, thanks. If my wife let pies cool on the window sill (which no one with children would even consider doing) they would definitely think the innkeeper had made it especially for them.

I don’t think my kids are unique in regard to most of this. And a parent's job, among other things, is correcting the home-as-hotel mentality. Looks like it’s time for management to do some housekeeping of their own. 

Harris and his wife live in Pflugerville with their six sons. Please email comments or suggestions for future columns to thoughtsforcaleb@gmail.com.